My last chance to catch up was the last week of my sabbatical when I had a monastic retreat at St. Anselm’s Abbey. You should have seen the look on Father Bennett’s face as I showed up at their door dragging my preposterous duffle bag behind me. By Monday night I was grinding through my third book, by Tuesday the fourth, but by Wednesday morning it hit me. I had 131 books to go and my sabbatical would all be over in just two days, and my reading program was in tatters, and I was exhausted and discouraged and of course thoroughly messing up my monastic retreat.
And you know, sometimes I pray and it just seems like I’m talking into empty air. And sometimes I pray and there is just a sense of wordless presence that brings its own kind of assurance. And sometimes, only once in a very great while, but sometimes, there right in my head is a voice and I just know that’s it’s the voice of God responding to my prayer. And this was one of those times. And while I lay sobbing face down on the floor a voice came right into my head saying, “Well, Skip, just tell me what you want.”And I said “Oh God, I should be better prepared to respond to the needs of my congregation. God I don’t want to be a mile wide and an inch deep. I should be well read, well informed in grief counseling, marriage counseling, vocational discernment.”And God said, “Is that all? Isn’t there more?”And I said, “Well yes, I should at least be competent in all these areas, but God, I don’t want to be just a jack of all issues and a master of none, I should develop some real depth in some area that I can kind of build upon.And God said, “Come on, don’t choke up on me, isn’t there more?”And I said, “Well sure, while we’re at it, I’m called to preach, and the congregation has the right to expect more than just a rookie preacher. I should be responsible to my call; I should develop my craft as preacher.And God said, “surely there’s more, come on, I want to hear the whole list.”So, I said, “well, you know, I want to be a better father and husband. I keep getting caught up in my work and I know I should be more attentive and loving and available for my family.” And God said, “Okay, okay, we add the family to the ministry list, is there anything else?”And I said, “As I think about, I’m sick of being so out of shape. I was an athlete throughout school, and I always looked with disdain on those guys that were all sloppy and overweight. And here I am pushing 235 pounds and it’s been years since I was in really good shape.”Okay, God said, “You want to get in shape, but there must be more, what is it?”Well, it just got wilder and wilder after that as I added sports, and hobbies, and arts, and friends, and appearance to the endless list of shoulds. And you might have expected God to be gagging by then, but instead he just turned the conversation on me and quietly asked, “Skip, if I gave you everything you just listed. If I gave you everything you can think of. Do you think then that you would be happy?And in the silence of that monastic cell that question just hung there in the air. And as it hung there my heart just sank because I knew, I knew right down to my bones, I knew that the answer to God’s question was “no.” No, God could give me everything single thing I had listed, and sure, I would feel great for a while, but then I would come up with one more skill, one more achievement, one more attribute that for sure I should develop if I were going to be acceptable, passable, tolerable even to myself.And God just let me stew in that recognition for a long time. And then he spoke again, saying, “and Skip, look at everything I have given you. Look what I have already given you! I’ve given you myself, my love, your health, a wonderful family, and a successful legal career. And when the career began to choke you and the noose tightened around your neck, I freed you, slipping you out of the noose and giving you a new way forward, a new career, a new congregation. I’ve given you all of this, all of this, and here you are on the floor crying about your despair. Are you beginning to see what the real issue is here?